Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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