I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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