I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
