At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
