I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
