Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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