matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
hey u leave my anime porn out of this
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
