I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
