I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
