I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
