Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
