is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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