So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
