well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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