Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
