my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Randomize
