So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
