I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
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