Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
