i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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