I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
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