whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
