you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
