Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
