Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
