My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
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