We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
