i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
