Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize
