i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
