You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
