Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
