sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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