I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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