i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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