The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My bed is full of blood and feathers
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
