I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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