I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
