I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
