I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
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