Your dad touched me again.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize