I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
