Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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