Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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