Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
All I want is dick and wine.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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