Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
