all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
