every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Randomize
