i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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