Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
