why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Randomize
