don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
