You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
