You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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