New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
it's like iHOP with fire
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
